Bill Goldberg and Diamond Dallas Page in "Ready to Rumble."

MOVIE INFORMATION

With 10 as a must-see, we give this film a: Stars: David Arquette, Scott Caan and Oliver Platt Director: Brian Robbins Rated: PG-13, with profanity, violence and adult themes Length: 104 minutes

ROCHESTERCRITIQUE

Having seen this film, how would you rate it? 10 5 9 4 8 3 7 2 6 1

By Marshall Fine
Gannett News Service

(April 7, 2000) -- Jumble. Grumble. Stumble. Fumble. Tumble. Mumble. Bumble. Crumble.

There are a lot of rhymes you can make with rumble -- as in Ready to Rumble -- but none of them seems pejorative enough.

How about: Ready to Rumble is so dumble it will leave you numble?

Too bad it wasn't called Ready to Waffle.

Just when you thought the lowest common denominator couldn't get any lower than professional wrestling, along comes Ready to Rumble. If the bar is to be set any lower than this, we'll need a shovel.

Rated PG-13 for the same kind of blood, sex and profanity that routinely air on TV's version of professional wrestling, Ready to Rumble is a movie aimed at that vast audience of 12-year-olds whose parents ignore their viewing habits. It's the story of a pair of hapless outhouse cleaners (Scott Caan and David Arquette), which should tell you something about the level of wit at work in Steven Brill's script.

These guys are enamored of pro wrestling -- specifically, the WCW, Ted Turner's brand, which participated happily in this giant promotional film. When the cleaners' hero, the mammoth Jimmy King (Oliver Platt), is stripped of his title and sent into exile, they go on a mission to return him to the throne.

Their journey is fraught with poop jokes; thankfully, the film is not shown in John Waters' patented Odorama. Those gags -- and I do mean gags -- not devoted to bodily functions (including one about flatulent nuns) are given over to a steady stream of crotch kicks. There are so many booted genitals, in fact, that the film all but demands a disclaimer saying, "Kids, don't try this at home."

Platt looks only slightly less embarrassed to be here than Oscar-winner Martin Landau, as an aged wrestling guru who delivers a few groin-kicks of his own. Caan, who bears an eerie resemblance to his father (one-time Oscar nominee James Caan) comes off as likable -- or maybe it's just that he's teamed with Arquette, who proves that he can be even more irritating than he is on those long-distance commercials.

At one point early on in Ready to Rumble, Caan says, "I can't believe how much we suck."

Check, please.